NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
