four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
