the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
