ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
