Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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