I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
