A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
