When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just threw up on my dentist
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
