Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
