if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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