There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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