Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
