i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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