The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just found puke in my bra..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
