Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
