I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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