I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize