11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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