and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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