Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
