I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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