Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize