so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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