Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
