I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
