Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
