i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize