i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
