last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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