our cab driver is having phone sex.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
