When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
