put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Randomize
