3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize