She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
