My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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