I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
