If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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