So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
