i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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