If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
