mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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