I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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