I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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