I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
