i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
