Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
