Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
