Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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