u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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