I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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