I want to make a zoo with you.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
