do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
