Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
