i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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