I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
