My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
