I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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