Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
