Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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