I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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