college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
