First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I skipped work to stalk him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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