My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
